


I Am Burning

by TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27



Series: Don't Monster's Breathe Fire? [1]
Category: The Darkest Minds Series - Alexandra Bracken
Genre: Abandonment, Anger, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Fire, Loneliness, Repressed Memories, Sparring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27/pseuds/TheyDontBurnLikeUs_27
Summary: Cole Stewart has always tried to protect the people he loves from anything that could hurt them, himself included. Over time he has realized that the most effective way to control his powers is to suppress the emotions that trigger them but one night spent training with Ruby might be all that it takes to finally break him.
Relationships: Ruby Daly & Cole Stewart
Series: Don't Monster's Breathe Fire? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2037382
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	I Am Burning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Apherod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apherod/gifts).



> There's not enough Darkest Minds fanfiction so here is Cole finally having the breakdown that needed to happen after he lost it training with Ruby. Hope they aren't too OOC please, please, please R&R

"C'mon Gem, you can do better than that!" Cole smirked as he reached up to block another punch. Ruby glared at him in response and swung her foot around toward his unguarded stomach. Cole dodged with a little difficulty and seemed to refocus his energy on the fight.

His blonde hair had grown out a bit and the sweat-soaked strands looked nearly black in the dim light of the room. He tossed his head to the side to try and clear his vision, Ruby taking advantage of his momentary lapse in concentration swung her fist up and hit him as hard as she could in the throat.

Cole stumbled a bit and Ruby remained still as the shock pulsed through her. She'd hit him, really hit him, after how many hours of trying? Just when she was ready to smile at her long-awaited victory she realized that Cole was sitting on the mat panting and looking incredibly dazed.

It took a moment for the adrenaline to fade and by then the reality of what she'd done hit her in a solid wave of guilt. "Shit Cole, I didn't mean to hit you that hard," she said quietly, her uneasiness chasing away the last of the adrenaline.

"Huh?" he responded "Oh, it's fine Gem" he hesitated a little and she could tell something was wrong by the uncontrolled jerking of his hands as he tried to hide them behind his back. "Are you alright?" Ruby asked as she got closer to him. "Ya, ya I'm fine," he said, his voice breaking a little on the last word and causing him to painfully clear his throat. "What's wrong?" she amended realizing the previous question had been a wide shot.

"Nothing's wrong Ruby!" he shouted before his hand gave another twitch and his anger seemed to deflate as quickly as it had flared up "fuck, just go to bed," he said without any real venom.

Cole's hand gave another painful jerk and he reached up to hold his head with both hands, gripping the sweaty strands like a lifeline. Ruby stood there unsure what to do, logically she knew approaching Cole would be stupid considering he looked about three seconds away from lighting the place on fire.

Ruby settled instead for a cautious step in his direction.

Out of nowhere the sensation of a solid brick wall slamming into her pushed her off balance and she responded out of pure instinct, pushing the mental block away from her as hard as she could.

For a moment she was successful at blocking Coles shield but the next moment she realized she had pushed too hard and the sensation of falling forwards was evident as her mind slipped forcefully into his.

It was not like anything she had ever done before, unlike her previous and very anticipated trip into his mind this was excruciating. Everything was moving, it was like his thoughts were incapable of rest.

Images passed too quickly to make sense of and Ruby was only able to catch brief glimpses. A white fence, Harry playing with Lee in the kitchen, Cole pushing a young girl on the swings, a woman making a sandwich, Christmas morning.

As the images blurred together they became darker, pushing Liam into the hard cement, shouting at Harry, split knuckles, a young girl sprawled awkwardly on her back blue eyes wide and unseeing, his father, a dented wall, anger, abandonment, loneliness, knuckles pounding flesh, fighting, blood, darkness, fire.

Ruby tried unsuccessfully to pull herself out of Cole's head but it was no good, the fire consumed his memories. Burned sheets, melted toys, smoke, Harry shouting about matches and lighters.

And the fear was crippling, tainting every moment. The door slamming as he was left alone in the dark terrified as he was burned alive from under his own skin.

She could feel his fear, not just from childhood but more recent times, a month ago, a week ago, an hour ago.

Everything was burning.

She finally ripped free from Cole's mind and tripped on her shoelace, stumbling back onto the mat and sitting down abruptly to regain her balance. It took her a moment but she stood up after a second and shook her head to clear it.

The sound of heavy breathing filled the dimly lit room and the scent of stale sweat hung in the air. "Cole?" Ruby asked without stepping forward.

Something was wrong and her unexpected trip into Cole's mind hadn't helped. He was positioned in the middle of the mat on his knees and his whole body was shaking. Sweat poured off of him and the flames flickered at his fingertips in time with his ragged breathing.

"Don't come over here!" Cole muttered breathlessly as his body jerked harder against his will. Ruby watched in horror as the flames consumed his fists flickering and burning.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" he muttered barely able to breathe "Oh god, Ruby, I can't stop" he muttered as his breathing increased. He tried desperately to say something but his breath was rasping frantically in and out of his lungs. His eyes grew wide with panic as he tried to contain the fire that was consuming him.

"Rubs… can't... god… can't ...breathe" At that moment everything melted away, the sarcasm and charm, the armor he always wore was gone and for someone who was 6 ft. of solid muscle and broad shoulders, someone who could break another persons spine or neck with ease, someone who kept a pistol tucked in the waistband of his jeans, Cole Stewart looked so small and so broken at that moment.

After that, it was an easy decision to slip into his mind and the panic he was feeling wrapped around her, steadying herself Ruby remembered what Clancy had told her before, mirror minds taking a deep breath she focused on calming herself. She tried to stay completely still when she pulled free from his mind for a second time.

For a moment everything was silent but not a second later his entire body pitched forward, rocking back and forth as harsh sobs shook his body. When Ruby finally felt like it was safe enough to approach Cole she threw a towel over his shoulders "Hey, it's fine now" she said in an awkward attempt to comfort him.

Finally, she walked around and placed her hands on his shoulders pulling him close and holding him. Ruby had never seen anyone lose it like this before, he was crying so hard he could barely breathe and his skin was still burning under her hands. The twitching from his powers had stopped but his body still shook from the force of his tears and the fear that was alive beneath his skin.

It was terrifying to see someone she loved in such a panicked state and the fact that it was the unshakeable Cole Stewart made it that much worse. Ruby and Liam took care of everyone and Cole took care of them, but no one was there to take care of him. No one even looked up long enough to realize he needed it.

"Shhh,'' Ruby soothed murmuring gentle words into Cole's ear as he tried to get air into his lungs.

Finally after a couple of minutes, Ruby pulled Cole to his feet. However her victory was short-lived when Coles knees nearly gave out and he collapsed further onto Ruby, his lungs still working too hard to get air. Thanking God that his room was nearby Ruby supported Cole through the hallways checking around each corner to make sure no one was there.

When Ruby finally made it to Cole's room she tried to lower Cole onto the bunk but this time his knees really did give out and he collapsed onto the cheap mattress in a shaking pile. He curled into a ball and his shuddering breaths echoed in the otherwise silent room. Ruby had hoped that the lack of smoke in here might have helped clear his head but he was beyond hysterical.

Trying desperately to remember what Jude said helped with panic attacks she sat Cole up and steadied him with her hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. "You need to breathe," she said turning his glassy eyes towards hers "try to… um… just try to copy my breathing," Ruby said hesitantly, trying to overemphasize her breathing for Coles benefit.

It took a couple of minutes for his breathing to even out but he didn't look much better for it, his skin had lost it's golden tone and was as pale as she'd ever seen it with unnaturally flushed cheeks, his eyes were glistening with tears and the shadows underneath them were darker then the bruises on his skin, his posture was rigid and she didn't think she'd ever seen someone looks so vulnerable in her life.

Ruby sat there beside him in awkward silence and just when she was going to suggest he get some sleep Cole jolted to his feet and pushed past her, he barely managed to get to the trash can in time to throw up what little food he'd eaten in the past day.

Ruby let out a small noise of surprise before rising to her feet and crossing the small room to place her hand on his shaking shoulders. He finally stopped vomiting long enough to take his shirt off. His body was covered in sweat and the muscles of his back were tense but at the very least he seemed to have some grip on what was happening around him for the first time in nearly an hour.

"Fuck" Cole muttered over and over again as he hunched over and vomited again, his whole body shook and he nearly choked on the bile, he continued retching long after his stomach was empty and the bile burned his throat as he coughed.

When he finally stopped dry heaving he nearly collapsed backward into Ruby's arms. "God I'm so sorry Gem" he mumbled against her lap where he lay sweaty and exhausted and nearly unconscious "damn I shouldn't have…" he trailed off unsure where to start "I shouldn't have… I should've done better…" Ruby watched him in shock, his skin was coated in sweat and scars, he'd just had an enormous emotional breakdown, he had literally been throwing up off and on for almost an hour, had a panic attack, relieved his worst memories, and now he was saying sorry?

"Cole, why are you apologizing?" She asked, looking down at where he had buried his face in her lap, he kept blinking as though he was trying to stay awake. After a minute he pulled himself up to lean against the bunk, his hands twisted in his shorts "I don't understand why this is happening." he muttered putting his head between his knees in a movement that was nothing less than complete and total resignation, as though at that moment he had just given up.

"It's alright you can't always be strong for everyone else…" Cole gave her a hard look "I've been doing it for twenty-one years" he said monotonously "What?" Ruby asked looking at Cole's unreadable and incredibly blank expression "this may have started with IAAN for you but this has always been my life." Ruby stared at him in confusion "Gem my father was an insane abusive asshole and my mom wanted to pretend like it never happened. I always had to protect her and Lee then all of a sudden Harry comes in and it's like I'm just a dumb kid again." The way Cole was talking made it abundantly clear that he had never spoken about this before. "Dammit Gem, I was never a kid in the first place, I never got a childhood and then he comes along and it's like everything is sunshine and daisies like I never took beatings for my mom like I don't have the scars." he took a deep breath and his voice dropped in volume once more "I've always burned Gem," he whispered with a sharp intake of breath.

"I thought I was getting better at controlling it but now… I couldn't even stop." With that final statement, Cole stood on shaky legs and climbed clumsily onto his bed. "Please go Gem"

Ruby just stared at him in surprise, it was like something in him had finally broken and now all of these things he'd been agonizing over for his entire life were hanging in the air between them and he was just waiting for her to leave him because after everything that had happened he was still expecting to be left behind.

"I'm not going to leave," Ruby said, frowning. Cole just shrugged his shoulders and rolled over so his back was to her.

Ruby's eyes filled with tears at the simple movement, how could she have missed this, even with the charm and the sarcasm it was obvious he'd suffered. Why the hell hadn't she realized that he was suffocating under the isolation and abandonment he'd dealt with his entire life? He'd even told her as much before but he seemed so invincible that she had never dwelled on it after the moment passed.

"I'm sorry" it didn't begin to cover what he'd gone through but he deserved it nonetheless.

Suddenly Ruby understood why he was so desperate to conceal his powers from the others "they won't be afraid of you" Ruby said quietly "they're afraid of you aren't they" he replied cooly with his back to her "Hey look at me" Ruby said forcefully turning him back towards her "No one here is going to leave you" she said trying to get the message through to him after years of self-doubt and fear.

"My mom abandoned me for Harry and his perfect life, Claire died and I had to tell my parents, Lee left me in the League alone, Vida has barely spoken to me since you came, Judes dead, Cate's gone. They weren't just your friends Ruby, they were mine too. And I couldn't protect them, I couldn't make them stay."

Not knowing what to say Ruby slipped onto the mattress next to Cole and wrapped her arms around his chest, embracing him tightly. "I think you should talk to Lee, explain things to him" Cole ignored her in favor of hiding his face in her shirt like a child. She could tell he was frustrated with himself for his vulnerability and that he was relieved and afraid and so many other things at once that she didn't know how he handled it.

"Look he might not say it or even show you but I know Lee loves you, and talking goes a long way sometimes" Cole still didn't look up but instead mumbled something into her shirt that sounded like an exhaustion slurred version of "this is nice." Thinking about how exhausted and out of it, Cole would have to be to say something like that scared her a bit.

She knew that sleep was rare for him so she let him drift off pressed in between the wall and her body. For the first time since she met him, Cole looked genuinely relaxed. And as much as she wanted to lay with Lee the thought of leaving Cole right now seemed cruel and no matter how mortified he was upon waking up in the morning she couldn't leave him to wake up alone, somehow she knew that would be worse.

So Ruby pulled a blanket over herself and lay down next to Cole to await the struggles she knew the next morning would bring to him, he'd never opened up like that before, and coming to terms with his vulnerability wouldn't be easy for him.

His earlier words echoed in her head "I've always burned..." at least they were all together now, and as long as they were together things would work out in the end, they had to...


End file.
